i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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