If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
