Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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