its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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