she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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