she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
