Michael Bay diarrhea
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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