I wish life had little blips of pornography
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
