Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
