he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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