you traded sex for a burrito?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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