He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
