im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
