i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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