This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
