went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
be right there i have to get my cape
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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