my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
