Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
