The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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