I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
