When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize