I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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