you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
