We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize