Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
