you traded sex for a burrito?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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