you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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