dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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