i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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