he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
