His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
