There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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