i think my mom watched the whole time
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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