hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
tell your sister to shave her snatch
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
