i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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