When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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