party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I fill condoms, not promises.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
