I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
