Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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