Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
