my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
