Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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