Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
