We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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