I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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