'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i barfeds in our rink
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
