youre lurking in front of me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
