It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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