I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
