There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
