It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
