I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
