and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
