Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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