I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
