My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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