Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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