I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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