grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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