I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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