I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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