Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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