He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
